At the beginning of 2022, I wished for growth and discovery. I wanted to grow as a person and discover myself. I wanted to grow in my relationships with others. To love freely and fall in love with the mundane. Here’s the thing, we always wish for growth and discovery, but no one tells us how painful the growing pains are. Sometimes, growing up felt like grieving to me. I was in denial of the changes I was going through. I was angry, sad, and devastated. It hurt to let go of the things I knew as true and it was very difficult to accept the changes that occurred because of it.
I lost big parts of myself in 2022. I forgot what makes me happy. I forgot how to exist just for the sake of existing. I forgot how to appreciate the little things instead of focusing on accomplishing them. I will forever mourn the sunsets I didn’t enjoy, the rain I didn't run under, or how I took everyday things like the feeling of warmth seeping from a hot mug for granted. I lost my words at some point, and I could not write anything without breaking down in frustration. I started resenting my own poetry, and mostly myself.
I also lost some relationships I didn’t think I’d lose. Connections that were so sacred, I never thought I’d see the day they’d crumble. But I guess even temples disintegrate with time. No matter how much it stung, I had to come to terms with the fact that people outgrow each other. I think what hurts the most about the loss of these connections is how quiet the fall is. There is no one to blame for them, there is no reason for us to scream or fight. There is no chain reaction or explosion. You just have to accept that this is the way it is now.
I was so focused on outcomes, that the stress of everything made me revert back to habits I had long let go of. I spiraled so deeply into a disorder that I recovered from once upon a time. I wanted so badly to escape my circumstances, but I shrunk into nothing instead. I was confused about the person I was growing into and the emotions I was experiencing, so I harbored a lot of guilt for things I had no control over and it ate me up from the inside.
I stayed up more nights than I could count crying to myself because I didn't think I was worthy enough of the things I was accomplishing. I was so overwhelmed with all the new beginnings I started and chapters that I still had to close, I lost myself in the chaos of it all. It was hard from the very beginning, and there were a lot of days where I wished I wouldn’t wake up to see a new morning, but as I sit here writing, reflecting, and breathing. I am stunned at my own strength, and I am so grateful that I am still alive today.
I am grateful I made it because I am so proud of the person I am growing into. I am proud of the things I managed to accomplish in 2022. I graduated from university with honors. I wrote my senior project on a subject I had always been passionate about. I did great in my internship and accomplished many things in my part-time job. I gained unexpected friends and formed new bonds with others while nurturing some older ones.
I am also grateful for the people I currently have in my life. I am grateful for my best friend who has stood with me in every single breakdown, and who has wiped my tears even while being a thousand miles away. She gave me something to lean on when the world knocked me down. I truly believe that she is the reason I am still here today. I am grateful for the new friends I made, and the way they make me smile. I am grateful for my friend who walked the internship journey with me, and made my days a little more bearable and filled with so much laughter. I am grateful for emails exchanged with a new friend at midnight that promise a blooming friendship. I am grateful for the endless words of encouragement, and the way my loved ones reminded me that I can do things when I faltered.
Growing up is like grieving, and because it’s like grieving I know I still have a lot of falling, crying, and learning to do. I might have come to accept a lot of things, but I know I have a long way to go. I am terrified of what this year holds for me. I am scared of falling so deep in sadness and despair as I did in 2022, but I have the comfort of knowing that I can pick myself up again. I suppose we don’t ever stop growing. We just get used to the growing pains, or at least we learn how to manage them by healing.
So this year, I hope I heal.
-hammie
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