hammie's writings

  Yearning (noun): a feeling of intense longing for something.   Some days I wake up and the sun could be warm and comforting but I will still miss the rain and for as long as I remember, I was always the sort of person to be crippled by yearning.      I long for the things I have, for the things I don’t have, and for the things I am yet to have. I don’t mean that maliciously, I just feel the ache of missing things so deeply in my chest. I miss feelings, people, thoughts, and conversations. I crave the feeling of the sun on my face, the sound of laughter, the smell of the ground after the rain. I miss gentle smiles hidden behind coffee cups and a bowl of dessert shared in the dark.    I miss the people who have silently left my life but left a gaping space in my heart that they occupied once, and I miss the ones who left behind wounds that still bleed.  I ache for the days when my friends were only a highway away when I could have pulled them into...

   Taylor Swift was right.  I don't think anyone could have prepared me for how 22 would be the most confusing age of my life.   Being 22 is physically feeling the growing pains but no matter how much you push through it feels like you’re stagnant. It feels like the world has already passed me by and I didn’t seize any opportunities or build anything worthwhile . I look at everyone around me and even though I know you shouldn’t compare myself to others I can’t help it. One friend already has a job. The other one is making plans to study abroad. My friends are falling in and out of love and someone is getting married.       What about me?    I'm still stuck here, and life is passing me by too fast. It feels too late but too early to do anything. There are so many things I could have done by now that I didn’t, but there is also still so much more to do.  You graduate thinking this is when your life will really begin but no one warns you ho...

  I’ve been going on what I like to call “mental health walks” once a week. I’ll put on a podcast and walk for the entirety of the episode. this week I listened to an episode titled “ الرقص على اشلاء الجيل ” which roughly translates to dancing on the ruins of the generation. This episode talked about how gen-z is surrounded by a reality they can’t escape but are forced to face. They learn how to resist at a young age and mask their emotions because they must be grateful for the world they’ve been given. It also touched on toxic positivity, grief, and acceptance. Particularly how we must allow ourselves to feel sadness in the moment, and how to grieve in the moment so that we don’t go through the stages of grief later. How allowing ourselves to feel our negative emotions and sadness is the only way we will survive and live.    I always played “the rock” in my family or in my friendships and I hold a certain strength in that. But even rocks weather over time. Now, I think a...

trigger warning: suicidal ideation kilometer 0 it’s hard to go on walks when all you can think about is how much you want to die.  you put on your running shoes and turn the music on so loudly your ears start ringing,  but even then, your thoughts come crashing down like angry waves on a shore.  it takes a tremendous amount of strength for you to eventually start walking.   kilometer 1    you try to sort through the flurry of thoughts but they’re going by too fast.  a headache starts forming in your head, but you write it off as lack of sleep. your insomnia returned a few weeks ago, sleep replaced with long nights staring at a ceiling for answers, you can’t find.    “what did i do to deserve this?” silence.  “will i ever be enough?” silence. “when did i stop feeling?” silence.   the silence is so loud it bleeds into your nightmares.   kilometer 3   your lungs hurt, but you’re not sure if it’s the wind or if it’s the consta...

At the beginning of 2022, I wished for growth and discovery. I wanted to grow as a person and discover myself. I wanted to grow in my relationships with others. To love freely and fall in love with the mundane. Here’s the thing, we always wish for growth and discovery, but no one tells us how painful the growing pains are. Sometimes, growing up felt like grieving to me. I was in denial of the changes I was going through. I was angry, sad, and devastated. It hurt to let go of the things I knew as true and it was very difficult to accept the changes that occurred because of it.  I lost big parts of myself in 2022. I forgot what makes me happy. I forgot how to exist just for the sake of existing. I forgot how to appreciate the little things instead of focusing on accomplishing them. I will forever mourn the sunsets I didn’t enjoy, the rain I didn't run under, or how I took everyday things like the feeling of warmth seeping from a hot mug for granted. I lost my words at some point, a...

tw: weight, disordered eating, anxiety, depression. you spend your whole life fighting silent battles, that are now manifesting physically. you build  mental cages so high; you trap yourself inside.  you develop so much anxiety, that it feels like a permanent  tremor in your hands, a constant irregular beat of your heart.  you carry your problems and tragedies so elegantly,  that at some point the ache in your bones and the darkness  that bleeds under your eyes become your defining characteristics.  they’ll ask your mom about how your clothing now seems  like it’s borrowed, and she’ll laugh and say it’s just a new diet. and how can you explain that you’re so full of emptiness  that you can’t stomach the thought of food most of the time.  or how sometimes you break down in the middle of the night  when no one is watching as you desperately try to fill the void  with whatever food you can find only to cry about it later. they’ll ...

Today my social psychology professor asked us what roles we are playing in the current moment and with my brothers’ own online classes echoing in the background. I proceeded to answer with “student.”  “But aren’t you a daughter or a sister?” He asked me. Aren’t I? It’s all I’ve ever known. Being the eldest daughter, the eldest sister, the responsible, the wise, the supposedly caring figure is all I have ever known. It used to be as easy as breathing, but my lungs seem to need a little help these days. The words weigh on me, drowning me in the sea of expectations and responsibilities they hold. Or have they always done so? “You sound mature for your age.” An adult would usually comment. Impressed with the way I held myself, or the way I expressed my thoughts. I used to bask in these words, offer shy smiles, a little proud of myself. Today, I’m 21. These words feel like a slap to the face. They ring in my ears long after they’ve been said. Maturing too early comes with a cost. Somet...